“One day, while my son Zac and I were out in the country, climbing around in some cliffs, I heard a voice from above me yell, ‘Hey Dad! Catch me!’ I turned around to see Zac joyfully jumping off a rock straight at me. He had jumped and then yelled ‘Hey Dad’ I became an instant circus act, catching him. We both fell to the ground. For a moment after I caught him I could hardly talk. When I found my voice again, I gasped in exasperation: ‘Zac! Can you give me one good reason why you did that???’
He responded with remarkable calmness: ‘Sure, because you’re my Dad.’ His complete assurance was based on the fact that his father was trustworthy. He could live life to the hilt because I could be trusted. Isn’t this even more true for a Christian?” -Tim Hansel, Holy Sweat
In the previous post, I have been approaching the concept of race relations from a theoretical point of view. However, in this post, I want to give you some practical things to help make the task seem less daunting. When we work with congregations who ask us for the magic bullet to reach their community, we have just one word for them. If you want to know the secret to be relevant in your community, come closer, and I will tell you. A little closer. The secret is RELATIONSHIPS!
John Maxwell once said about leadership, “Everything rises and falls on leadership.” Any hope we have of overcoming racial tension, any hope of seeing beyond color, is based on our ability to build authentic relationships. On to the task at hand, how do you develop a circle of trust? I believe there are five key elements.
1. Establish and maintain integrity.
It is the foundation of trust in any relationship. Integrity, by definition, means keeping promises and always telling the truth, no matter how difficult it might be. It is so easy in a relationship not to say what needs to be said. We do that because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. However, if we are going to have an authentic relationship we need to have the freedom to share open and honest truths. If the relationship you are developing has integrity, it can stand the test of time.
2. Open and Clear Communication is important.
I love this quote; it so often defines what happens. We communicate in general. “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” Do you ever feel that way when you are talking to someone very different than yourself? That what they heard is not at all what you meant. As the relationship develops with people from diverse backgrounds, you learn as you spend more time in an authentic relationship to interpret what people are saying. In the beginning, there is lots of time devoted to explaining what you meant. So be patient with each other.
3. Consider each other as equal partners in the relationship.
Trust is established when you begin this relationship as equals. Now that may sound strange, but often we enter into a relationship with a sense of superiority. “I have something valuable to offer you.” If the relationship begins with a hierarchical mindset it will start at a huge disadvantage for both parties. You don’t develop authentic, healthy relationships when one partner feels superior. It is hard to respect and find value in someone you think is beneath you.
4. Focus on shared interest and values.
When you are developing a relationship, it helps if you can focus on your similarities rather than always focusing on that which makes you diverse. What do you both commonly value? God? Family? Golf? What are the things you have in common? What are your passions, your fears, your struggles? What lessons have you learned from a shared experience that might help the person you are building this new fledgling relationship better understand? It is often in this situation that the deepest and strongest connections will be formed, through the fires of trials.
5. Be willing to be vulnerable regardless of personal risk.
How does that look? It requires a willingness to be transparent, authentic and willing to share your mistakes and faults. When you are vulnerable and have nothing to hide, you radiate trust.
In closing, for those who thought the theoretical was hard, now we get down to the nuts and bolts. If you want to change the culture, it happens slowly, over time, through forming deep and authentic communities, one relationship at a time. I pray you keep following. I believe in the power of the Almighty God; he can use us to change the world.
Another blog post in this series:
https://revheadpin.org/2016/06/07/diversity-in-the-church
https://revheadpin.org/2016/07/19/fearfully-made
https://revheadpin.org/2016/07/05/dealing-with-race-in-america/
Becoming Bridge Builders 
I lovvvvvvvve this. You nailed it. And your post arrived in my email two minutes after having a super honest conversation with someone, so I particularly loved this:
“Establish and maintain integrity.
It is the foundation of trust in any relationship. Integrity, by definition, means keeping promises and always telling the truth, no matter how difficult it might be. It is so easy in a relationship not to say what needs to be said. We do that because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. However, if we are going to have an authentic relationship we need to have the freedom to share open and honest truths. If the relationship you are developing has integrity, it can stand the test of time.”
Well done.
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Thank you. I am glad it was a blessing
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I totally agree! Building an authentic relationship of trust is so important, whether it may be between parent and child or pastor and congregation. I was just talking to my friend about this in the afternoon and one thing that helped her keep her faith was her father’s trust in her–that even if she did things that others may not agree with, he was there and willing to accept her and help her through when needed.
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I don’t think we realize the importance we play in our children’s lives. Thanks for reading, commenting and following.
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This is a fantastic post. The points you make are so true and need to be applied to all our relationships.
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Thank you
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You’re very welcome. 🙂
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Amen!
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Thank you
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Excellent post. Relationships a work in progress daily. Your points excel! Prayer. A circle of prayer for the thoughts, concerns and what is on the others heart. Really enjoyed your wise words. blessings, denise
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Thank you for reading and giving input
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The ability to be vulnerable is the hard one for me! Great post!
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That one is hard for most people. Being vulnerable opens the door to be hurt by someone dear to us. We all like to minimize pain. Thanks for reading and taking the time to give input.
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Well said. 🙂
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Excellent post, sir! You touched on race relations, but not so much as you came across as overly-focused on solely that. You touched on marriage as well, but not so much that it took the content of your whole post either. Great job being flexible with your examples, and of course, the content too. I am having a little trouble finding masculine camaraderie for following on this site, you have impressed me!
We all have skeletons to hide but in finding a mentor, accountability partner, or maybe even a “Fire Team” (something my church does), we will live out one of the ways that God intended for the church.
I came here from the Community Pool!
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Beautiful stuff.
The key point is of course relationships, not fronting. They’re what helped start the process of changing me. Words matter, but openness and trust matter more, I think.
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You are so right. It is all about authentic relationships
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Beautifully written and words we should all live by. I think building those relationships are so important and that you DO have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but that it leads to openness and true understanding.
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That you Brittany.
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It’s nice to have a group of folks you can trust. I have a couple of good friends I do, and a good number of families. I appreciate that circle too.
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What a blessing
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You sure know how to break the issue down into the pieces it’s built from. I could never articulate so well the steps needed to do, well, anything. Of importance, I mean. If you want to know how to bake some cookies, I can definitely help.
I know for me the last one would be the hardest. Relationships in general are really hard for me because I’m intensely private. I manage them because I’m able to respond when someone opens up to me but opening up myself to another person? That is a huge struggle. Something I’m currently praying about, actually. So I’m sure I’ll see change (of some kind) sooner or later 🙂
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Thank you for reading and the encouragement
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Relationships are a struggle and that is the main reason the racial tension continues on. But imagine if we could build a new relationship together? What a difference that would make.
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I am fascinated by people who are different than me, but my problem is I need to think things through before I say them. I don’t care a lot what people think of me and it gets me in trouble sometimes. I’m not easily offended, but I can unintentionally offend others.
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Oh I get that foot in the mouth thing. I have learned with age to not tell people exactly what I am thinking. 🙂
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It’s very easy to write off a relationship due to a misunderstanding. Sometimes I’ve had to take a step back and remind myself that I do value this person, and it’s worth it to clear the air.
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That is so very true. Have a great day
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